i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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