Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
