i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
