In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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