uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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