I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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