this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
