3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just pynch a tree in the face
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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