I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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