my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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