I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
