Redeem this text for a blowjob
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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