nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
