Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
