No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
