woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
