No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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