upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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