Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
