I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
