I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
