He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
