You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
