Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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