now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
