never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
