For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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