Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
