I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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