Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The ass gains better be worth it
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