Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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