Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
