why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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