I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
