I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
