I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
