I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
