Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
