Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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