I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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