About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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