why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it's like iHOP with fire
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
