we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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