DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
