I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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