I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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