Someone shit on the floor
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
