He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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