life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She's the barista slut.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
