If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
