Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
