He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
