Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
