Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
